“Can I ask you a question, Paula?”
“Shoot.”
“Why don’t you guys have kids yet?”
I took a deep breath and rolled my eyes inside my head when yet another person asked me the question I’ve been asked for years now, by many different people. Including strangers.
A few years ago, my mother in law ran into an old family friend. They got to talking when she finally asked if my husband and I were still dating. Once my mother in law said that we’ve now been married for a few years, the response she heard was: “Oh how lovely, how many kids do they have now?”
“None” was my mother in law’s response.
The friend suddenly grabbed her hand, looked her in the eyes and said: “Listen, I know a very good doctor, I can get you his number, he’ll be able to help.”
And that’s when my mother in law burst out laughing, saying that we’re currently child-free, by choice.
I know that it’s been a while since I’ve even touched the “girl-talk” category here on the blog, but I kind of felt compelled to write this post. You know, just in case someone out there can relate. And I know, for a fact, that some of you can. I also feel like I just needed to get this off my chest.
MY UTERUS, MY BUSINESS
After I injured my back in the car accident back in June, I had, once again, someone ask me the question. This time, it was my doctor.
“Do you have kids?”
“No, not yet.”
“Do you want to have kids?”
“Maybe in a few years, I don’t know.”
“Well, then we need to work on getting you better.”
That, to be honest, was a little scary to hear. I couldn’t sleep or focus for the next couple of days, but surprisingly, the fear eventually went away.
Ahh, yes.
Fear.
I think this is exactly where my problem lies with the whole “you need to have kids, now” thing. I constantly have people tell me how difficult it can be to conceive. People telling me stories about a friend of a friend who went through a menopause at 32. How I will run out of time, or that I simply need to hurry up. It feels almost as if some people close to me, are trying to guilt me into having children, now.
If I’m being honest, even writing this post feels a little scary, because I don’t want to “jinx” anything, even though I’m not a superstitious person. It just frustrates me, to no end, when people automatically assume that I either don’t want to have children or that I hate them. The former, I’m still not sure about. The latter? Well, let’s just say that I’m everyone’s favorite aunt and think that a smell of a newborn baby is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
So no, I don’t hate kids and I’m even slightly obsessed with babies and always want to take them home for the weekend when visiting friends or family members who have newborns. But I also don’t understand why most people don’t get the fact that I’m still deciding whether or not I want to have any of my own.
I hate that I have to explain myself, or that people get pushy, nosy. About a month ago or so, I went to a baby shower and when someone from my family, once again, brought up the “so when is your turn?” question, the entire table looked at me, awaiting my response. I took a big sip of my wine and said: “ahhh, I just love my Pinot Noir a little too much!” and played it off as a joke, while everyone at the table smiled awkwardly and exchanged weird looks. I then thought to myself, what about those women, or families, who are trying and who are struggling to conceive? How would questions and interrogations like these make them feel? Do people even consider those things when asking these questions?
Maybe it’s something that has to do with my culture, as my sister and I are the only women in our family who are over 20 and don’t (yet) have children. Growing up, I was constantly told to fear God. Getting pregnant out-of-wedlock, I believed, would be one of the worst things to happen to me, something I feared through my late teens and early twenties. I remember how terrified I was to tell my Gran that I moved in with my boyfriend, without getting married first. There was just so much fear and some sort of strange religious guilt deeply implanted in me. It was there for years and it’s taken me a very long time to get over those feelings.
I keep telling everyone who burdens me with their opinions and tries to implant that fear in me (this time it’s the fear of “running out of time” or my “biological clock ticking“), that times have changed. If I’m being honest, I’ve also grown to feel extremely anxious before any kind of family gatherings because I know that at one point, someone will bring up these questions.
So, if I were to say one thing, to all of those concerned about my having children, it’s that my uterus is my business.
You know me, I’m all about positive vibes, being mindful and happy and spreading love, but it doesn’t mean I don’t ever get angry, annoyed or plain frustrated. No, I don’t believe that anyone who asks me about having kids does so in order to annoy me or frustrate me (or my husband). I chose to treat those interactions, as a way to allow myself to practice non-judgment. Both toward myself and others. First instinct is always to give in to anger when you have to explain your life-decisions to someone else. But it’s also a perfect opportunity to choose love, instead of giving in to those feelings of fear and anger (which is exactly what we talked about in yesterday’s post).
And hey, if this is something you also experience, which I know a lot of young married couples especially go through, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to not have your mind made up yet, especially when you’re young and healthy. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
108 Comments
Ioanna
November 3, 2017 at 9:33 amThis post resonates with me SO much and I’ve only been married 6 months. I’m so sick of people asking and assuming that children are on the agenda when I simply don’t know yet. It’s the pressure that gets to me the most. And as you say, how would someone that is struggling to conceive feel if they were asked these questions? It’s so insensitive. xx
Ioanna | Hearting.co.uk
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 9:46 amI was so nervous writing this post, and so happy that someone can relate! I’ve been married for 5 years now and the constant questions just get more and more annoying. I can’t even imagine how I’d feel if I were asked these questions when struggling to conceive. Insensitive is definitely a good word to use here.
Aleksandra // bunniesaremagic
November 3, 2017 at 9:37 amAs I already know I do not want to have kids – I understand it all too well.
The thing that really bothers me though are how cruel these sort of questions are to people who cannot have kids. Sure, I may get a little FU moment in my head, but then I get over it. I cannot even imagine how painful this ‘When will you have kids?’ nagging would be if I was infertile. Heck knows, maybe I am, I never checked. But I can definitely see a question like this tipping someone over a very dangerous edge.
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 10:22 amExactly! I can’t imagine how that must feel when someone who dreams of having children but struggles, gets asked these questions. It must be so heartbreaking.
Rebecca Jenkins
November 3, 2017 at 9:46 amI just turned 21, and already people are saying about the ticking biological clock. I know I want to have children one day, but still quite a bit in the future as I’m currently very single & still studying.
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 10:23 amOh no that’s ridiculous, haha! You are so young and have so much time to figure everything out! I’m sure you’ll be a great mom one day, but now is a perfect time to focus on yourself! :)
Jackie
November 3, 2017 at 9:54 amMy husband and I were married for 6 years before I got pregnant. I hated hearing the questions because I just wasn’t ready. I was finding my footing in my career, and then landing the perfect job a few years later. It just delayed things. I ended up feeling bad about myself for not having kids the year after we were married, since that seemed like that was what everyone else was doing.
Not only is it your uterus, your business. It’s your life, your business. People are so pushy. I’ll never understand it.
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 10:28 amWe’ve been married for 5 years now and the questions just get more and more annoying. I just can’t understand why people feel such strong need to push their opinions. Having children is such a huge responsibility, having a child isn’t as simple as getting pregnant, there is so much more to it and I’m always surprised when people act shocked when I tell them that I’m happy with the way things are at the moment and don’t feel like I’m missing out. Then, they automatically assume I hate kids and don’t want to have any in the future. You just can’t win haha ;)
Sorry you ended up feeling bad about yourself- that should have never happened. A happy and fulfilled woman makes for a great mommy and it sounds like you’re just that! :)
Jackie
November 3, 2017 at 10:38 amAww thank you! And I agree! Too many people today think their way is the only way. It’s certainly a crisis. Best wishes, my dear!
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 10:51 amRight back at you! <3
Johanne
November 3, 2017 at 10:00 amOoh, I know how you feel. I mean, I have different reasons than you have for not having kids yet, but they are my reasons. My mom’s the worst of all (and from her I can take it, luckily), everytime the word baby or pregnant comes up, she looks at me and almost shouts that’s she’s ready to be a grandmother. With her I just think it’s cute and she doesn’t put actual pressure on me, but others should really leave me alone!
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 10:32 amWe all definitely have our own reasons, which is exactly what some people fail to understand; not everyone’s life and circumstances are the same. Some people don’t want to have kids at all, and that’s fine, too. Some can’t afford it at the moment and some are just still undecided.
Aww hehe my mom is the same way!! I can take it from her, too, I know she’s ready to be a grandma but she knows when to stop pushing. Others, not so much- just like in your case :)
Hayley @ hayleyxmartin.com
November 3, 2017 at 10:41 amThis also goes for people who aren’t married, in my previous job I would have customers asking if I had a boyfriend. At which point I didn’t and I would start to feel bad about myself. Their response was always, ‘why not’ ‘a young girl like you’ etc etc. But still, why was I being made to feel that I SHOULD be in a relationship and getting married/engaged etc. To be fair, I found this occured alot with the older generations. I feel our generation is the first for all these things to be happening later. I think these questions are very insensitive of people to ask who barely know you. They don’t know your circumstances etc. I can understand someone asking who knows you quite well, but they shouldn’t persistently ask again and again.
Hayley | hayleyxmartin
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 10:56 amOh yes! I have so many single friends, some older than me, same thing goes for my husband. We’re actually the only “couple” in our circle so we only hang out around single people and some of them do complain about constant nagging, funny enough though, I feel like women tend to get these questions more often. Almost as if it’s okay to be a single man, but being a single woman is not. Times have changed- that is something I constantly tell people. We don’t live in 1920’s. Sending my love your way!
Linda Libra Loca
November 3, 2017 at 10:57 amI always knew I wanted kids of my own, but in my first marriage, despite us trying, it was not meant to be. The constant questions about the topic were draining and I remember a Christmas Party at a friends house where I cracked and just let all my anger and frustration take over, telling them: “Because we can´t! We try and try and it is not happening!” Needless to say that for me the party was over.
After my divorce I accepted the fact that I would never have kids and, to be honest, was perfectly happy about it. It was only when I got really serious with Mr. Loca that I even thought about trying again. my daughter was born when I was 35, my son when I was 37.
And while I am incredibly happy and blessed to have them in my life, those years before my second marriage have taught me that my life would have been complete without kids, if it hadn´t been meant to be.
No one should feel the pressure or the need to answer to others, with probably the exception of the one you are spending your life with.
Your life, your Business. And a life can be complete whether you have kids or not.
Anne|Linda, Libra, Loca
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 11:12 amThank you so much for sharing your story, Anne! I can’t even imagine how it must have felt, being at that party and finally reaching your breaking point, I am so sorry you had to endure that. It must have been so hard!
That is the exact kind of outlook I try to have, sort of like it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be, I just don’t want to feel pressured to make a decision right now. It sounds like things worked out the way they mean to work out for you!
I love hearing your perspective, especially where you mention that a life can be complete even when you choose not to, or can’t have kids. All the mothers I speak to tell me the complete opposite- that life cannot be complete, unless you have children.
Thank you so much for again for sharing your experience!
Linda Libra Loca
November 3, 2017 at 4:01 pmNo way. On of the benefits of having my kids so late in life is that I have a clear perspective on what I gave up in order to have them: travel, career, money, independence. Not to sound superficial, but these things were very important to me.
I gave it up gladly and wouldn´t want it any other way, but without them my life would have been pretty awesome as well. One of my sisters has no kids of her own. She really loves spending time with mine, but for herself decided to pursue her career, and I can accept and understand that decision. Her life is complete, she is very happy. Many people will tell you that you life can not be complete if you aren´t in love, and I do disagree with that as well. The only one making my life complete am I, everything else is added bonus.
Kids will not stay forever, they are meant to leave you and live their own life at some point. If they are the one thing making your life complete, what will stay after they moved out?
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 7:02 pmReading this makes me feel so good, Anne, you have no idea. I love your outlook so much, I think you say things that most people are unwilling to admit, even to themselves, I love that about you. Seeing what you say here, makes me feel hopeful that there are more people out there who understand that in life, things aren’t always plain black and white. Your kids are lucky to have such a great mom! Seriously love your outlook on things, very eye opening!
Missy Quigley
November 3, 2017 at 11:30 amTHANK YOU! I am almost 39 and never married and am dating a divorced dad. We have made the decision IF we get married that we will not have any together as he already has two kids. You would think that I decided to drink bleach according to my family. I am “wasting my time” and “if he really loved me he’s have a baby with me.” What about what I want? I accepted that I will not have kids before I met him. I don’t want to go through fertility treatments like so many of my poor friends have, I don’t want to give up my pinot noir or pure barre or fancy free lifestyle and I sure don’t want to break up with the man of my dreams to go searching for some man who wants to have kids with me when I am in my 40’s. And I don’t want to do it alone. Yes I would have loved to have kids in my earlier 30’s with a husband, but that didn’t happen. Leave me and my uterus alone! The religious guilt is the worst, I have that too, I am so sorry. I lived with my ex boyfriend and got so much crap for it, and they even said that was why we didn’t get married. No the fact that we realized we weren’t right for each other was! Why are people so overbearing sometimes?!
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 11:49 amThank you SO much for this comment, Missy! I was so nervous to hit “publish” on this one, to be honest, I’ve been putting off writing this for a while, but I am so happy I decided to share my feelings. I just love knowing that I am not alone in this!
I’ve heard that one too, that if I “really love my husband, I will have his children” and it sucks that most people think that it’s only my decision. No, that’s not how it works; we’re both still undecided. I love my life, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything at the moment and having people tell me that “you don’t know what love is until you have children” or “what’s the point of living if you don’t have kids” just drives me crazy, it’s like they automatically assume I don’t want kids. I just don’t know what I want yet, and I think it’s okay.
I am so glad that I’m also not the only one dealing with that religious guilt, there were moments when I just thought of myself as such a weirdo, haha! I still feel guilty sometimes because my husband and I didn’t have a religious ceremony when we got married. Growing up we just were kind of fed with that fear of God and it’s crazy how shit like that just stays with you, even when you’re 30 years old.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, Missy. I just love reading through the comments on this post! Makes me feel like I’m not alone! :) Sending my love!
Missy Quigley
November 3, 2017 at 12:02 pmI am so glad you published it, the struggle is real! I call myself a “lapsed Catholic” and am no longer religious but the guilt is still there. My grandmother still gives my cousin who has been married for 7 years and has three kids grief for not getting married in the church. It is so crazy!
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 1:11 pmMy view on religion changed so much, I believe in God, but my feelings on Catholic church have changed a lot since I left home, but after so many years of being pretty much forced to go to church, it’s hard to not feel that guilt.
EMILY-HEATHER
November 3, 2017 at 12:03 pmHi Paula. I’m not thinking about kids but I’m not yet at the age where people start to be nosey ask questions! Found your post to be a really interesting read anyway.
Emily
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 12:13 pmThank you, Emily! Enjoy not having to deal with those questions! :)
Claudia Stenhouse
November 3, 2017 at 12:45 pmI loved this post Paula, I can kind of relate on some level, although I have a son I am constantly asked when I will have another and I’m just like “Leave me alone!” Let me enjoy him without having to pop out another instantly. Why are women so pressured into having multiple children running around, my partner has NEVER been asked. I can see just how frustrating it is. So intrusive as well, such a personal thing and it’s no ones business. Great post xx
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 1:17 pmAhh yes! That’s exactly what one of my cousins tells me whenever I complain about people nagging at me: “It never stops, once you have one, then they’ll be asking when you’re having another one. And once you have two boys, they will be asking when will you be trying for a girl”
You do bring such a good point, too, Claudia, that’s usually us, women, who have to answer these questions. I won’t say that Mark doesn’t get asked about having kids at all, but it certainly nothing, compared to what I have to go thorough whenever I we meet with family. SO happy you liked this post!
PS. I won’t lie, I remember when you just had George, your pictures were giving me some major baby fever, haha! I do get those once in a while :) Your boy is seriously so precious!
makeupsessions
November 3, 2017 at 1:22 pmPeople just want to know your business :)) I have two kids and I remember after having my boy people were asking when will I have a second one. I’m like jeez let me live a little, I just pushed a baby out of me :))
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 6:29 pmHaha yes! In my culture, with Polish people, this is especially an issue- everyone dies to know everyone else’s business, lol. Haha yes, once you have one, it’s “when is the next one coming” then if you have boys it’s “when will you be trying for a girl?” It just never stops, haha! :)
Victoria - Foodie for Thought
November 3, 2017 at 1:23 pm*claps* thank you so much for this post. I’m sorry that you too are subjected to this. I think people mean well but it’s actually incredibly intrusive. I’m getting a lot of “your mother had you at 27 you know!” Well, yes but you could also buy a house for £30,000 27 years ago so… I guess I’ll miss the boat on both fronts there! I’d always just found it mildly frustrating until I had a health scare recently, and then I started to find it really upsetting. I don’t think people think through the impact of their words a lot of the time. Victoria x
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 6:33 pmOh my mom was pregnant with her third when she was just a year older than me right now, so you can imagine what I go through, haha!
Yes! That is the exact point I aways try to make- times have changed, things aren’t the same or a simple as they were 30 years ago. I remember spending my childhood always taking care of my siblings, working 6 days a week since I was 15, God forbid I want to figure things out and be a little selfish before bringing another person into this world! I’m a little sensitive to these things so I tend to take them to heart- especially when someone tells me that I’m getting old (I’m only 28!) It drives me crazy, at times. Thank you so much, for your comment, Victoria!
Dagmara Klich
November 3, 2017 at 1:31 pmI completely understand your frustration, Paula! People just like to be nosy and think everyone should live their life in a certain way. I have two kids, we were lucky to have them when we planned to but because we have two sons people keep asking when we’ll try for a girl, LOL! It’s hard for them to understand that we’re perfectly happy with two boys.
I would never ask a couple when will they have children because it’s none of my business and, like you said, people might be actually going through difficult process of conceiving or mourning loss, you never know. It’s about time people start minding their own business! :) x
Mummy’s Beauty Corner
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 6:36 pmHaha that’s what all my friends with children say! Once you have it’s when you’re having the next one, then you’re either have to try for a boy or a girl lol.
You are such a great mommy and have such lovely family! I get that people are a little curious, but at the same time, some of them should learn when to bite their tongue.
Erin Turingan
November 3, 2017 at 2:08 pmThis is such an important topic; thanks for sharing. My hope is that if our generation and beyond continues to try to change the conversation, shift towards “How’s your career? How are you?” topics, we will eventually get to a saturation point towards it.
http://www.coffeemeetspolished.com
Krystal // The Krystal Diaries
November 3, 2017 at 3:14 pmI wish these were the conversation topics! No one ever asks me how my career is but they’ll always ask my husband how his job is going. I just get asked if I’ve learned to cook yet or when am I having kids.
Erin // Coffee Meets Polished
November 3, 2017 at 3:20 pmOne step at a time, unfortunately. Once it’s a new default that most women have careers is when I think the conversation will shift.
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 6:37 pmThank you so much, Erin! I love the point that you made here. I hope I live to see the day when people start asking others about more than just starting families or their relationships!
Krystal // The Krystal Diaries
November 3, 2017 at 2:58 pmUgh yes I can relate to everything in this post. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and married for 5 so people are now starting to think there is either something wrong with me or our marriage because we don’t have kids. There is nothing wrong with me or our marriage by the way we just don’t want kids right now and are in no rush. I’m always told I’m next or what am I waiting for. I’ve even been given a gift on Mother’s Day in hopes I’ll be next. That one made me mad because while I’m not trying nor do I have health issues how would anyone know? What if I was trying, had a miscarriage, or can’t get pregnant? That was a really insensitive moment on the gift givers part as she has no idea what my situation is even though she believes she does.
Jaime | Girl Loves Gloss
November 3, 2017 at 6:27 pmOh WOW – giving someone a gift on Mother’s Day in hopes of coercing them into such a big life decision is not only super ballsy but horrifically insensitive.
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 6:41 pmI thought the same thing, unbelievable.
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 6:40 pmSeriously, someone gave you a gift for Mother’s Day? I’d be mad too, if that happened to me! That’s probably even worse than making a stupid comment. Just like you said, you can never know what another person is going through, I can only imagine that if that happened to someone who was struggling to conceive, it’d break their heart! So sorry you had to deal with that, Krystal!
Beautylymin
November 3, 2017 at 3:16 pmI don’t know how many times I’ve been asked this ( we can’t unless I get into remission) so my response varies between ‘why is that any of your business’ ‘we have too man things to do first’ and sometimes I’ll full on shame them with details of my health, the high risk of miscarriage and the child being born with my disease – that really silences them! I would never think to ask anyone such a question xx
Beautylymin
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 6:27 pmI am so sorry that you have to deal with the Lyme disease, Love, I just met someone who also has it and it’s such a shame that it took doctors years to figure out what was the problem.
I can’t blame you for wanting to shame people and wanting to spill out details about your health issues; one can only take so much. I’m definitely overly mindful when it comes to other people’s lives and never force my opinions on others (maybe just my little sister and brother, at times hehe). You are one brave and strong woman! I’m sending my love your way!!
Beautylymin
November 4, 2017 at 4:42 amAs big sister, it’s your prerogative to advise them! ;-) xx
Jaime | Girl Loves Gloss
November 3, 2017 at 4:10 pmI can relate wholeheartedly to this. I only have one female cousin, and she had her first at 21 – so the questions started for me VERY early ( I was only 19 when she had him!). About a year after Dan and I got together (11 years going now) I started to get hit with the “When are you guys going to get married?” question from everyone including clients at work. Then after a couple years I think they gave up on that and starting in on the baby thing.
Well then a couple years ago, 2 weeks before Christmas, I had a miscarriage. Every time some well meaning family member asked me about starting a family I died a little inside. Every time someone (sadly, often other females) reminding me that I wasn’t getting any younger (I turned 31 that year) I wanted to burst into tears and tell them I was very well aware because clearly my body was fighting me. I always knew I wanted to be a mum, but it takes two and we both wanted to be on the same page. When people would ask me why we hadn’t started our family I wanted to scream at them “why don’t you ever ask him?
Why is it always the female you ask?”
You just never what is going on in someone’s private life.
And then, finally after trying for a very long time privately (because the only thing worse that people asking when you’re going to have a baby is “Have you managed to get pregnant yet?” when they know you’re trying) I got pregnant. In fact, I am due in 2 weeks. Honestly, I thought that would be the end of the personal and invasive questions but then it turned to things like “Oh but you guys haven’t gotten married yet? Are you going to get married?” and “was this a surprise?” and my personal favourite, “Can you afford that?” – EXCUSE YOU?
So I guess the conclusion of my stories are that people are nosy and generally very insensitive. I often feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Most of the time I roll my eyes and let it go. Occasionally Id say something like, “we’re hoping it’s finally in the cards for us one day” or now: “I just feel so lucky to finally get my chance after such a long time” because that usually shuts people up by giving them the inkling that it’s been a long struggle. They generally feel like assholes after that ;-)
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 6:10 pmAll of my female cousins have children and they all had them in their early twenties and being the second eldest one, I get the “it’s your turn, next” thing all the time. My husband and I have been together for almost 13 years and I don’t get why some people, especially those who we are really close to, don’t understand that we love our life together, just the way it is, for now. I’m not one of those people who wants to plan out their life month by month.
Jaime, I am so sorry you had to go through that, I honestly cannot even imagine how you must have felt at that difficult time! I did notice that it’s always the women that get these questions and it annoys me so much! My husband and I are on the same page, but I always find it funny how other people try to convince ME that having kids is great (which I’m sure it is), while not even mentioning my husband.
OMG you are due in two weeks, how exciting! You must be so, so happy! Hope everything goes really well, I’m sure you can’t wait to hold your baby in your arms :) Honestly the comment about being married or the pregnancy being a surprise is probably something that would push me over the edge. I bet that once your baby comes, you’ll be getting questions about having a next one, haha!
I guess that’s just the way things are and we have to learn to live with them. Just sucks that women go through this a lot more often than men do. The most important thing is to not let those opinions and unsolicited advice get to you!
I am so happy for you and can’t even imagine how excited you must feel right now! Sending all my love your way!! xx
Jaime | Girl Loves Gloss
November 3, 2017 at 6:26 pmThank you lovely! I am beyond excited but also terrified. It’s a real mixed bag of emotions right now for me that are hard to put into words. It’s been a journey, that is for certain.
It really is women that get the brunt of this, and sadly usually from other women! I can’t count how many people said, “Wow how does Dan feel about it?” when I told them I was pregnant!! I just started saying “Well he was there, so…”. I actually have a post going live tomorrow about all the invasive and very personal questions that people think it is ok to ask when you’re pregnant. It honestly caught me off guard what people think it is ok to say.
Like you said, the most important thing is to remember that these opinions and advice are just that: Unsolicited. I’ve come to start saying things like, “wow that is a very personal question” and then change the topic. It’s my way of letting them know that a boundary has been crossed without the direct confrontation I loathe so much.
Oh and the, “you guys are going to have more than one, right?” (because apparently purposefully having an only child is horrific) started before I was even showing LOL.
Kudos for writing such a fab, frank piece Paula. It came at the perfect time.
xx
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 6:57 pmAww I’m sure it’s a little scary right now, but once you hold that baby in your arms it will be all worth it ;) I can’t wait to read your post! I remember once seeing random strangers come up to a pregnant woman at a supermarket asking if they can touch her belly, lol. I was like Oh God, is that what people do to you when you’re pregnant?
I love the “wow that is a very personal question”, I’m going to use it next time! Sounds like something that would shut most people up, haha :)
Thank you again, Jaime, looking forward to reading your post tomorrow!
Asaake | asakemi.com
November 3, 2017 at 4:14 pmYou know I thought this was just an African thing. “when is your turn” is quite upsetting and insensitive. Idk when people will actually get it that it’s not acceptable at all. Even with people you’re closest to- just don’t do it! I’m already getting the “when are you getting married” question and I almost want to respond “well can you show me where to purchase a husband on demand?”.
Sorry you have to deal with all this mess but I’m glad you have a pretty good support system and personal strength to deal with it. Hopefully with more people talking about it we many can learn that it’s just not Ojay.
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 3, 2017 at 6:01 pmOh it definitely isn’t! My relatives from my home country of Poland are even “worse” when it comes to those things. I feel like with some people, there is just no end to those things. I have a lot of single friends, most of them are single, really, and I find that women get he “when are you getting married” questions a lot more often than men, which I find so annoying! It’s almost as if it’s okay to be a single man, but it’s not okay to be a single woman. It’s a great opportunity to practice some patience, that’s for sure, haha!
Deanna Marie
November 3, 2017 at 8:54 pmMy fiance and I have been together for 7 years, and I would say as of about 3 years ago (when we were 23) his family really started to lay it on thick about wanting children from the two of us. Like you, I’ve really started to put my foot down about it! It’s hard enough being a woman and having to face pressures from society and ourselves without little whispers and suggestions in our ears. They try to say to me “it’s never the right time”, “you’ll never have enough money”, which I’m sure you hear a lot too. Perhaps what people don’t realize is that there are other things women can live for and achieve other than motherhood. I’m excited to have children one day, but I have other things I’d like to accomplish first…and that is nobody’s business but mine and my partner’s.
Thanks again for another incredible post. Paula, you are a breath of fresh air and strength! Good for you for standing up for yourself. xo
Deanna
http://www.luxandvitae.com
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 5, 2017 at 7:18 pmThat’s exactly what I sometimes feel like telling people. Yes, I am a woman, but there is so much more to me than just my being able to bare children! My husband never gets asked these question, it’s always me. No one ever asks me about my career (other than people very close to me) it’s always all about my having kids. People always tell me how I’m missing out, how if I do decide to have kids later on, I will regret it, how life is pointless without children, etc. I personally think it’s a bit disrespectful, if I’m being honest. I try not to judge those people, I do know that having kids is something that cannot be compared to anything else, but I wish some people weren’t as nosy as they are.
Thank you SO, SO much for reading this post, Deanna, and for your comment. I was super nervous to publish this post but now, after reading all these comments, I feel even more confident in knowing that I really should live my life the way I want to live it. Sending my love!! xxx
Brianna
November 3, 2017 at 9:51 pmI am so sorry you have to go through this. It’s a problem that I read and hear about way too often. Interestingly, I get the opposite. I would like to settle down and start my family within the next three years but as of now, it seems impossible and my family wants me to wait ten years (I’m 25 by the way). I get them, I’m still young, I still have a lot to learn, I still have time to travel and complete financial goals before settling down but it’s what I want, you know? Above all, it’s up to God and His timing when I will Settle down so I’m just taking each day as it comes by and trying my best to practice patience. I believe the day you decide whether or not you want children, you’ll make the right decision! I hope the situation lightens up for you in the mean time! Keep enjoying life!!
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 5, 2017 at 7:53 pmI think your family has a great attitude, but at the end of the day, you should live your life the way you want to. I wasted so many years in college as a pre-med student, because I know my family wanted me to be a doctor and felt so ashamed when I decided to change my major because I knew it wasn’t for me, and once I did, I felt so free and happy.
Taking each day as it comes is the same attitude I strive to have. :) Everyone has an idea of what they want their life to be like, and that can change, too and it’s all okay. As long as we don’t let others stop us from living the life we want, it’s all good :) My mom was pregnant with her third when she was only a year older than me, but it’s important to remember that we are all unique. And how boring would it be if we planned every single detail of our lives and if we all made the same exact decisions as others? :) Thank you so much for reading this post, Brianna!
LuxBubs
November 4, 2017 at 12:39 amBeen there, done that!! Bravo in voicing your opinion and not holding back 👏🏼 I praise you for being strong and courageous, I praise you for speaking out and loud in saying ‘you’re still figuring out.’
Personally, I don’t believe in the ‘right time’ for having kids (as it really doesn’t exist), but in you feeling strongest within, when you’re ready for this life changing step.
So, live in the NOW, with an outlook in the future!! ❤️
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 5, 2017 at 7:53 pmThank you so much, Anxhela! I agree with you that there can never be a “right time” for having kids. It’s not something you can ever be ready or prepared for, I think. Thank you so much for your sweet comment!!
Nikola Hessová
November 4, 2017 at 3:23 amPaula, thank you for this post. It is your body and your choice, you will potentionaly give a birth, none of the people who were asking! It is nothing of their business! I hate those question about babies too. I feel the same about this topic. I’m 30 years old, have a great boyfriend, a house, a dog but gues what? No children yet. I just don’t feel like having baby. Sometimes I feel myself still like a baby 😅how can I have some on my own? I wanna be free and travel, do what I haven’t done yet. Couples around me all have babies or they are pregnant. They usually keep saying me: you will be regrett that if you wouldn’t have one right know. It really frustrating me. Like is it right to have baby because it is time already? That I should have one? Maybe I would be happy when that happened unexpectedly and maybe not. Who knows? I just don’t feel it know. It is more frightened me than excited me to have one.
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 5, 2017 at 7:10 pmAww thank you so much for taking the time to read, Nikola!
I love everything that you said here. It really is none of anyone’s business, but sadly, some people just feel way too comfortable asking these questions.
I feel like both you and I are so similar! Whenever I tell people that I’m happy with the way my life is (our careers, our pup, our house, etc.) people act so shocked! I actually had someone tell me “really, you’re really happy?! you don’t feel like there’s anything missing?!” I was like yes, wtf do you mean? I love the way my life is at the moment. That’s not to say I will never want to change it, but for now, I love how everything has turned out for me.
I feel just like you, for now it’d be more frightening than exciting. Ahh wish you lived closer so we could grab a drink! I feel like you’re my soul sister!!! :)
Nikola Hessová
November 6, 2017 at 4:07 amAww so nice of you! I really need some soulmate right know :) I quit my job in April this year and started freelancing. I feel little bit isolated to be honest, but happy at the same time. Before that, when I still have my full time job and was not happy, my colleagues and friends, even my parents telling my all the time: if you don’t like your job maybe baby can solve that? ….lol :D NO, please, I just want to follow my dreams and it is definitely not a maternity leave :D….but many of my colleagues who donť like their jobs anymore solve that situation having babies :D It sounds stupid to me. Just because some help from government you get like this also. Then it is a win win – you quit job u don’t like and have some money from government. :D Are they serious? :D But really..many of my friends behaving like this. I know, that my position as a mum and freelancer will be probably more difficult but you know what….my dreams are more important than some sort of security.
It would be so great to meet you in personal, Paula! I think that we have so in common also because of our origin. Maybe one day. XOXO
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 7, 2017 at 2:41 amThank you so much, Nikola! I am so happy that you decided to follow your heart- that is so brave of you! It’s so important to chase that happiness and do things that you feel are right for you- time goes by so quick and it’s going for the things we want, things that are scary, that is difficult. It’s easy to just sit back and let life go by. I had someone tell me once that “you should give your parents a grandkid already” and my reaction was the same as yours- WTF? lol
Aww I feel the same way!! I’m planning a trip to Poland in May, don’t know how long I’ll stay yet, but if I have some time, I’d love to meet up!! And if you’re ever in the US in the NYC/NJ area, you can always come visit!!! :) :)
Thank you again for your sweet comment and congrats for going after what you want, that is so, so brave!!! <3 <3 <3
lipstickandlemonmeringue
November 4, 2017 at 5:00 amI have a daughter who is now 8. I have PCOS and I needed A LOT of drug therapy to conceive. We decided not to gown that path again because the drugs have long term risks of ovarian cancer and the whole fertility process is quite stressful. We felt that we are unbelievably lucky to have our daughter so why put my health at risk and cause anxiety to all members of the family when we have her. So we are letting nature take its course. And we are happy with that. You’d think that would be straightforward. However, it almost seems like having 1 child is worse than having none. Even after 8 years I still get asked “are you not going to have any more?” as if I’m a bad mum for not giving my daughter a sibling. Who’s business is that anyway?
I have always been very pleasant about it and in fear of embarrassing those people or causing upset I tend to stick with generic statements of “don’t know, we’ll see what happens”. But why should I? They are being overly personal. I’ve started saying that I probably won’t have any more in a nice way but sometimes I want to snap at them and be as rude as them. But that’s not who I am. I wonder what age I will be when people stop asking me. X
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 5, 2017 at 7:05 pmThat is something my friends who have kids tell me. Once you have one, it’s when is the second one coming. Once you have two boys it’s “now it’s time to try for a girl!” It’s definitely nobody’s business, but some people just like to focus on other people’s lives, sadly.
I hate being mean to people but sometimes I just feel like saying something that will shut them up, so I can’t blame you for wanting to snap at some people. My husband often has to squeeze my hand whenever those intrusive questions get asked, because he always gets so scared I’ll say something nasty back haha, but just like you, I’d probably never actually do that. For now, I have some health issues that I get to use as an “excuse”, so I’m “off the hook” for a while.
I can’t imagine how difficult that journey must have been, and I am so happy that you were able to conceive and have a little angel of your own! I wish you and your beautiful family all the best!
Ana Poli
November 4, 2017 at 7:31 amI guess I’m lucky to have people around me that don’t ask many questions about my husband and I having kids, and my family support to wait more or don’t have them at all if we don’t want it. But the one thing I struggle to explain is why i didn’t change my last name when I got married. It’s like my explanation is never good enough and my not-change of last name only means that I don’t love my husband enough. I guess we can never be free of judgment from other people!
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 5, 2017 at 6:55 pmAww yes! Consider yourself very lucky, Ana! :) Ahh yes, you just can never win with some people! The most important thing to remember is that you should never apologize for the way you live your life!
Hannah
November 4, 2017 at 7:40 amI didn’t mind when my cousin asked me (a few months before my wedding) if I was going to have kids because we didn’t see each other in 15 years and we were catching up. She is 5 years older than I am, and we both got married at 27 but with her, she really wanted to have a kid right away and her biological clock was ticking. But no one else has thankfully bugged me about it, especially when I would post on Facebook about not wanting kids right away (to prevent the questions from coming). Filipino culture is super family-oriented too, and Philippines is the only Christian country in Asia so there is a big emphasis on having as many children as possible (and there is hardly any access to birth control in the Philippines because they are governed by the Catholic Church). I am a Christian but I believe in having kids when my husband and I are ready, and when it is God’s timing. I also don’t mean to be stereotypical, but I see a lot of Filipino moms who constantly post pictures of their kids every hour or so and I hope to not be that type of crazy mom. I’m thankful my mom is very subtle and private about our lives, she takes pictures and posts occasionally but she doesn’t go crazy like my MIL or my older sister and her friends. My MIL is obsessed with pictures, and she was behind us snapping away during our first look before the wedding. My cousin in law (husband’s cousin) in Manila posts 5 photos a day of her son, it seems.
There was a phase where I was going on r/childfree on reddit and a lot of it was because I was scared too. Scared of losing my freedom, and scared about the complications I would have due to my lupus. My doctors always tell me that if I want to get pregnant, I need to plan with all of them at least a year in advance and change my medications. I am also scared about the risks of having a child with autism because my younger sister and niece have it. I still deep down want to have children with my husband, and he was hurt that I was looking at that subreddit because we both agreed that we DID want children before getting married. And I still do. We just both agree that it’s not the right time. We live in a 1-bedroom apartment with 2 dogs and I just started my job last month, and I want to grow my career. We also want to travel and save up for a house.
I just wish that in Filipino and in Christian culture, there was more emphasis about women being more independent and strong. Because not everyone can or wants to have children.
Hannah
Floraful
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 5, 2017 at 6:52 pmWhenever I talk to someone that I haven’t seen or talked to in a while, the question about my having kids is always the first thing they ask haha ;) I’m glad that no one else has been bugging you about this, it can get really frustrating. I also wish I wasn’t stereotypical, but sadly, it’s usually my family overseas that constantly asks me about having kids, even trying to scare me into having them, telling me I NEED to have a kid NOW before it’s too late. At 28, I still feel very and just love the life my husband and I have together.
OMG, I used to browse that sub, all the time, too! Haha :) I think that sometimes we just get a little confused and we wish that someone could answer these important questions for us, offered some guidance. Unfortunately (or, fortunately) some of those most important decisions, are ones we have to make ourselves.
I really wish my (Polish) culture also wasn’t as obsessed about having kids as it is. I’ve had people tell me that life has no point, unless you have children and that I’m selfish. And I haven’t even made a decision yet whether or not I want to have kids! Well, it’s my life, and I don’t plan to apologize for the way I live it. I think that you are incredibly responsible and I know that once you and your husband do have kids (or a kid) they will be incredibly happy. Bringing a child into this world isn’t as simple as conceiving, it’s a responsibility and you obviously would want to give that little person everything you can. I don’t think there’s a perfect time to have child, but I do think that in many cases waiting (especially when you have health issues, like you or me) it’s a smart and responsible thing to do. I hope you and Cecillio are enjoying the married life! You deserve all the happiness in world, Hannah!! <3 <3
Danielle Alexa
November 4, 2017 at 12:38 pmI am constantly badgered by these questions. I have been with my other half for nearly 8 years and I think it is what people just expect, regardless of what we want. We shouldn’t have to justify our choices to anybody!
Danielle xx
http://www.fashionbeautyblog.co.uk/
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 5, 2017 at 6:39 pmI totally agree, Danielle! People often expect that their way to live is the only way. I wish we could all respect each other’s life decisions and stop throwing judgment around.
Anastasia
November 4, 2017 at 8:40 pmWe’re the same way. Hubs and I have been dating for almost a decade before he proposed, and we’ve been married for 6 years now, still no kids. I used to joke it off like you, but now I simply say “we don’t want kids yet”. Whenever someone brings up the whole clock ticking spiel, I just answer that if the clock runs out we will adopt. That usually ends the conversation, because it would take a special kind of asshole to imply that having your “own” kid is is better. I don’t feel nervous about the clock, whatever happens happens. If we have it in our hearts to fall in love with our spouses whom we are not related to by blood, we can love a child that is not our own just as much.
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 5, 2017 at 6:37 pmI brought up the same thing once, and someone said to me “but wouldn’t you want to have any of your own?” So yes, people aren’t afraid to be assholes, even when discussing these things at family functions. I love your outlook on this and I always say the same thing too, whatever is meant to be, will be. I don’t want to feel pressured or guilted into having kids. Another thing that annoys me is when people ask me “when are you going to start a family?!” I always say “what do you mean? My husband IS my family, we ARE a family!” Thank you so much for reading this post, Anastasia! x
Cindy
November 5, 2017 at 1:15 amI love love loved this post Paula!! I relate to you on sooo many levels about the getting pregnant before married being the “worst” thing – def how I was raised too. Moving out with my bf was definitely scary in the sense that I had to tell my parents / extended family about. I already know people will ask when my bf and I plan to have kids after we get married, which is the most common question asked since we’ve been dating for the majority of our 20’s already. I wish people would just let others live their lives without giving tooo much of their opinions and pushing their views on others.
Personally I don’t think I’d have kids for a while as I’m not very comfortable around babies and kids in general. My supervisor/friend at work just had a baby and after the second time she brought him is when I finally held him which was *milestone* level in my book. Cause the last babies I held were my cousins – and that wasn’t well until they were much older and could support themselves. It’s all in our own time :)
Cindy | http://www.cindyhyue.com
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 5, 2017 at 6:33 pmUgh, so glad I’m not the only one! I think growing up in a very strict, religious household just had that effect on me. Most of my family changed their outlook on things, as the times have changed, but there are still so many people from extended family, family friends who just love to throw those nosy questions at me, thinking and assuming that the way they live their lives is the way everyone else should live theirs. It really is a good opportunity to practice non-judgment hehe. Sometimes you just can’t help but laugh, but there were times when I was younger and I’d let those things really get to me.
See, I’m the other way- I actually love babies and feel very comfortable around them, I just don’t know if I want to have any. And I hate it when people assume that I don’t like kids, just because I don’t have any. Like you said, all in our own time :) I feel like to me, if it’s mean to be, it’s mean to be. I just wish people would stop “judging” me and accepted the fact that even though I’m almost 30, I’m still trying to figure a lot of things out. Thank you so much for your comment, Cindy!! So lovely to see so many women share their own thoughts on this!
Shell
November 5, 2017 at 5:34 pmBravo for this post Paula! I can kind of relate, albeit in a different way.
I’ve been single for pretty much my entire life & being asked about why I don’t have a boyfriend hits close to the bone. Thankfully my family couldn’t care less whether I’m loved up or not – they just want me to be happy either way – but some people outside of my family seem to have this fixation with me still being single. The last time I was really badgered about this years ago (by someone whose son I went to school with), I ended up in a flood of tears afterwards because I felt so frustrated with the way the conversation was going & despite my (admittedly) passive-aggressive attempts to put an end to it, it went straight over people’s heads. Of course I’d like to be in a relationship & whatnot, but I’m not going to do it just because everybody else wants me to. I have to want to put myself out there on the dating scene & yada yada, but I know how vulnerable both I & my heart are so I’ve stayed away.
As far as I’m concerned, it’s my life & I’ll go about it as I see fit. There shouldn’t be so much pressure on us women to shack up & have kids. What if you’re like me & have decided you don’t want them? What if you physically can’t have them? What if you’re young, newly married & just want to enjoy married life for a bit before having a family? What if you have kids of the same gender, you’re happy with what you have & don’t want any more? I know people generally mean well with these subjects & are curious, but really they ought to mind their own business.
Shell // The Novice Life
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 5, 2017 at 6:23 pmAww, Love, so sorry you has to deal with that! Most of my and my husband’s friends are single, all different ages, both older and younger, and I don’t get why it’s okay to be a single man, but when it comes to women, people always feel so comfortable asking them about getting married or “finding” a boyfriend, etc. (as if it’s that simple as to “find” someone…). My guy friends almost never get asked these questions, but my girlfriends on the other hand, get them all the time and I find it so annoying. I was lucky enough to have met my husband when I was in my late teens, but I have girlfriends who are in their 30s and dream of having a family, getting married, but just can’t find the right person. To have someone ask “so when are you finally going to find a boyfriend?!” just sucks. Not to mention that some people are perfectly happy being single, just living life and having fun.
I also think that these people don’t try to be purposely mean, but it is interesting how some people feel so incredibly comfortable asking such personal questions. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post and for your comment! xx
L'queen
November 6, 2017 at 12:10 amI can totally relate to this, I have a son and now the question is when would you have a second baby! The best thing is just to avoid allowing all these remarks or comments get to you. Everyone has their life to live, there’s no general life schedule
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 7, 2017 at 8:52 pmI bet you get told that you should now try for a girl! :) Not letting those things get to you is definitely the best option- if it were only a bit easier haha some people can get REALLY pushy and nosy! :)
Claudia @ Just a Little Blush
November 6, 2017 at 6:35 amA little late to the party but YES, YES, YES! My husband and I have been married for 3 years, but together for 11. Similar to your story, the questions on babies is non-stop. I particularly hate when people tell me how I’m going to feel when I have a baby. You don’t know me… you have no idea. Great topic!
– Claudia
http://www.justalittleblush.com/
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 7, 2017 at 8:55 pmYes! I can’t understand it when people are shocked when I tell them I’m happy with the way my life is at the moment, so is my husband. We both work so much right now, I can’t see what the point is of having children now, just to let someone else raise them by having them sit at a daycare all day long. I especially can’t stand it when people tell me the same thing- how I’m going to feel lol. Just like you said- there is no way for someone else to guess how I will feel.
Wave for Wellness
November 6, 2017 at 9:44 amI love the tagline “my uterus is my business”. I do have kids (expecting my second one actually) but can still totally relate to what you’re feeling. You cannot believe the amount of times people have asked me, sorry, told me, that it would be about time to have another. And even now that we are expecting I’m still getting comments like: it’s ok, four years of difference is still fine. Really? Thank you so much for your blessing on my reproductive timing.
Sorry, got a little carried away there ;)
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 7, 2017 at 8:59 pmThank you!! Aww congrats on your second one coming, must be so exciting!! :) Ughh I guess it just really never stops! There is a 3 year difference between me and my younger sister and almost 10 between me and my little brother and we seriously couldn’t be any closer, even though I was out of the house the minute I turned 18. Thank goodness that people have so graciously granted you their approval! I bet you wouldn’t be able to sleep at night without it hahaha!
The Sunday Mode
November 7, 2017 at 2:27 amI’m not up to this stage of my life yet but I see people around me being asked these questions and even that bothers me! I just always think you know, you never really can know what someone individually or as a couple is going through, and just like you wouldn’t straight up ask about someone’s medical history you don’t ask about that either!
Julia // The Sunday Mode
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 7, 2017 at 9:00 pmEnjoy it, sister! While it lasts haha ;) People feel incredibly comfortable when it comes to those things (especially where I come from) and it drives me nuts sometimes!
Glass of Class
November 7, 2017 at 7:57 amGirl, you hit the nail on the head! We come from the same background so I know exactly how it feels and how my family acts. I’m 23 so everyone keeps telling me to wait until I’m at least 30 (thank goodness) but my aunties who are not too much older than me are being interrogated all the time. It’s like there is an agreed time when you should have children otherwise there is something wrong with you. And then even if you have a child, they’ll keep asking when you’re planning to have another one and so on and so forth.
There will always be people unhappy with your life and expecting certain things so you might as well do your own thing and live your life how you want to.
Much love!
Julia xx
theglassofclass.com
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 7, 2017 at 9:02 pmThat’s exactly how I feel whenever my cousins, who all have kids, ask me. I hate that everyone assumes that something is wrong or that I hate kids.
Thank you so much for your comment, Julia. You’re lucky that for the most time you and your family are on the same page. I think my family is too, but it’s those extended family members who annoy me, thinking they know what’s best for me and my husband.
Gemma Louise
November 7, 2017 at 3:21 pmI always knew I wanted to have kids young (maybe not quite as young as this since I had a surprise pregnancy) but why do people have such an obsession with other peoples lives?! You should have kids when YOU feel ready to, not when other people are ready for you to!
Gemma Louise
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 7, 2017 at 9:05 pmYour little boy is seriously the cutest and you seem like such a great mommy!
I think that people just like being nosy and sadly in my culture, it’s something that is accepted and people don’t deal with “it’s none of your business” very well. They can get pretty pushy, lol. I’m surprised I haven’t punched anyone in the face yet, lol, JK!
Kierra Lee
November 7, 2017 at 7:45 pmAHhh this post was perfect timing. Me and my husband just got married in August and the line of people asking us when we are going to have kids is around the corner. Its incredible nosy and invasive and often times its hard to take it offensively. We want to wait at least 3 years and people look at us like we are crazy!
http://www.inthegreyonline.com
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 7, 2017 at 9:08 pmCongrats on your marriage, Kierra! Haha, yup, I’m familiar with those weird looks! People really should be a bit more acceptable. No adult wants to be told the way they should live their lives- I’m all for getting advice, but if you don’t like others telling you that your own life decisions aren’t good, don’t try to do the same thing to others.
Thank you for taking the time to read this! I wish you and your husband a lifetime of happiness!! xx
Victoriasbeautyedit
November 7, 2017 at 7:51 pmOh gosh I can relate to this in so many ways. I just got engaged, so the question I get at least 10 times a week is “When are you getting married?”. I get strange looks when I respond with, oh who knows, maybe a few years. Why does society do this? And i know once I get married, it will be, “When are you having kids?” and when you are dating for a while its “when are you getting engaged?”. It never really ends!!!! I make such a cautious effort to NEVER be one of those people. You do you and I’ll do me haha. Great read babes and thanks for talking about this!
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 7, 2017 at 9:10 pmCongrats, Victoria! I went through the same thing, heard the “did you set the date yet?” for two years after getting engaged and finally got fed up and we just went to the courthouse and got married lol.
I agree, I think that it’s something that just never stops. I guess that’s perhaps something that happens when people run out of the things to talk about: they just want to know all about your business. :)
Christine C.
November 8, 2017 at 10:05 amI totally understand this so much. I’m 36 and my husband and I have been married for over 10 years and together even longer than that. While I’ve struggled with infertility and won’t be able to have children, it’s the number one question I get asked repeatedly. It’s annoying, it’s uncomfortable and honestly, it’s no ones business. It’s so odd to me that people seem so interested in that part of our life over and over….
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 29, 2017 at 6:29 pmI am so sorry that you constantly have to deal with these questions, Christine. I can only imagine how uncomfortable it is. People love to be nosy, I remember once having someone tell me, while I was playing with my nieces “kids love you so much, that means that you probably will have trouble having any of your own” People seriously say such stupid things sometimes!
Moonsparkle
November 8, 2017 at 1:09 pmI can see how frustrating it is! I understand about being curious (I get curious about things) but I don’t think you need to ask. I know people who don’t have kids but I wouldn’t ask them why because it’s none of my business. Maybe they couldn’t have them or just don’t want them. It’s kind of like when people ask, “Why are you single?”, Why don’t have you a boyfriend?”. I get that they’re just asking but I don’t want to tell my business to people unless I choose to, lol. Thanks for sharing your perspective. :)
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 29, 2017 at 6:48 pmI totally agree. We all get a little curious, but there’s no need to ask someone the same thing over and over again. I noticed that it’s usually the same people who love to bring these things up and it gets a little too much sometimes hehe :)
Jess Athorn
November 10, 2017 at 4:21 amI’m so glad you’ve done this post, I’ve just turned 20 and am already getting these sorts of questions and it infuriates me to no end. My partners family are the worst for doing it and they always say it in a jokey light-hearted tone so it makes it difficult to snap back and put them in their place
Jess | http://acornlifefitness.com
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 29, 2017 at 6:32 pmThank you, Jess! I can’t believe you already get asked these kinds of questions, being so young!
Sophie Sierra
November 11, 2017 at 1:20 pmSO damn proud of you for writing this post Paula, as always you make me feel so empowered and strong with your inspiring words and beautiful self through and through. Such an important thing to talk about too, and one of the most frustrating things ever. I can’t believe so many still think it’s okay to probe and push and pressure people. I think my mum thinks it’s crazy I’m not married/engaged/etc. yet and said “but you’re 27!” as if it’s some deadly curse lol. Times have changed, and so many people are yet to realise we’re all doing things at our pace and with the freedom of our own choices and paths :)
So glad you’re raising this topic and making us feel all the more courageous for living our lives the way we want. And as always I’m so in love with your spirit and positivity, love love love the fact that you’re choosing love and positivity above all else. Such a shining star as forever my gorgeous friend! <3 <3
Sophie | soinspo xo
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 29, 2017 at 6:50 pmAww Soph, thank you so much, my Love! You have no idea how much that means to me! Hahah yes! My mom keeps bringing up my age too sometimes, and I’m like 28 isn’t “old!” Times have changed and some people definitely need to get with the times haha :)
Thank you again for your kind comment, Sophie, so glad you liked this post because I was so nervous to publish it!! Love you!!
Erin Russell
November 11, 2017 at 2:21 pmI’ve had a child, and this seems to be peoples first question to me now “When are you having another” Which shocks me further because I am a single parent… people can be dumb, and its something I never ask now! It’s so frustrating!
Erin || MakeErinOver
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 29, 2017 at 6:33 pmThat’s exactly what I hear from people who already had children- once you have one, it’s when are you having a second one. It’s like it never ends!
Hannah
November 11, 2017 at 7:24 pmI’ve been married 7 years (together 14) my husband & I decided quite early on (year 2 or 3) that we didn’t think we wanted children. I did have a mild panic a few weeks leading up to our wedding double checking that several years on we were still on the same page & we were. At the age of 38 I am so happy in my personal life & so glad we talked about it – it was a conscious choice & one we stand by. We simply haven’t felt any desire/need to have kids. That doesn’t stop people asking about it or telling me, in particular, that I will regret it…my response is that I honestly don’t think I/we will regret it & surely it’s better to regret not having kids rather than regret having them – how crap would that be? I get questioned a lot & sad looks as people assume we have fertility issues but because I’m a bit of a swine I now relish telling people our stance – the look on their faces, it’s priceless! It also gets the word out & people have stopped asking. You should do only what is right for you – what feels right & don’t get pressured by interfering busy bodies. My Uterus, My Business – I love it
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 29, 2017 at 6:40 pmI had the same conversation with my husband before getting married. I didn’t say that it’s a definite “no” but I did explain that I don’t have my mind made up and that perhaps, I might decide that I don’t want to have children. Very glad we had that conversation and that we’re on the same page, I’d never want to feel pressured into having children.
I definitely agree with you, Hannah. Having children is such a serious, life-changing decision and people saying things like “you’ll regret it” is just stupid. Everyone should be able to live their lives the way they want to, without fearing judgment from others. Thank you so much for reading, Hannah!
Naya // partyparrotblog.com
November 12, 2017 at 4:43 amI can totally relate to what’s going on here. And it is not purely about babies I feel, it is more about people being nosy and sticking their noses where they don’t have to. Good thing you are married, I am still single and get same questions a lot + more questions about when I plan to get married. Well, it is not like I have a control over it! Last time I was visiting my grandparents, they asked my cousin to “grill” me a little bit more, wondering whether I reject all men altogether or not; maybe there was a secret mental problem with me. But in reality, I just haven’t met my guy yet. And I am in my 20s too. Yes, I thought I’d be married with kids by the age of 24 – but I am actually loving my life the way it is at the moment. Might change in a year or two, but it’s our business how to live our lives.
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 29, 2017 at 6:43 pmKind of hard to get married when you’re single haha! I think that what sucks is that women get asked that a lot more often than men. Most of mine and my husband’s friends are single, and guys almost never get asked “when are you getting married?” and my single girlfriends get these questions all the time. Times have changed (thankfully) and it’s okay to do whatever you want- whether it’s never getting married, being single or having a ton of children.
Fingal Ross
November 16, 2017 at 7:26 pmI am so happy that someone has finally written this post, that needed to be written for so long. I am 33 and have been with my partner for over 8 years now, and am constantly fielding the question of babies from every angle. All my friends seem to be breeding like rabbits and seem to think that everyone should be doing the same as them. Then you get the righteous advice from them all about how you should have them soon, and it’s such a great experience UGH!
I love children and like you am the best aunty and babysitter, why is this not enough for people?
What if one day we decide we don’t want children? Is that such a bad thing. Or if you want to focus on your career and life and have children later on, why is this such a taboo way to think?
Thank you again for this post, great to know others feel the same way x
Paula @ thirteenthoughts.com
November 29, 2017 at 6:46 pmI always get so annoyed when people who tell me that “you should have children, it’s an amazing experience” act shocked when I tell them that I love my life the way it is. It’s almost as if life without children isn’t worth living.
I am so glad that I’m not the only one who goes through this and has to deal with other people forcing their opinions on me. I try not to judge the way other people live their lives and wish everyone tried to do the same. We’re all unique and we all want different things out of life- how difficult is that to understand? haha :) thank you so much for reading this post, my Love!
Natalie Redman
December 1, 2017 at 7:21 pmI feel a pressure to be pregnant and settle down and I’m only 25! It’s ridiculous and I think it’s because there’s an expectation to do things at a certain time and the reality is that everyone is different and will be ready when they are ready!
http://www.upyourvlog.com
Creastan jack
January 11, 2018 at 3:04 pmBeen there, done that!! Bravo in voicing your conclusion and not keeping down 👏🏼 I laud you for being solid and valiant, I applaud you for standing up and boisterous in saying ‘regardless you’re making sense of. By and by, I don’t put stock in the ‘ideal time’ for having children (as it truly doesn’t exist), yet in you feeling most grounded inside, when you’re prepared for this extraordinary advance. In this way, live in the NOW, with a viewpoint later on
Michaela
April 20, 2018 at 11:22 amI turned 30 last year. And I’m honestly amazed that people have pretty much stopped asking me about the kid situation. I’m child-free by choice and I’m positive that I always will be. Children of my own don’t fit into my life plan. Same goes for my partner.
People used to ask when I was going to have kids. I’d respond with “Never” and was always greeted with “You’ll change your mind.” I haven’t changed my mind though. Pregnancy is frightening and does horrible things to a person’s body. I don’t want that – I’m just now, finally, learning to love my body and treat it well. Children are….expensive? Smelly? A huge commitment? A challenge? All of the above really, and I’m genuinely surprised I can afford to take care of myself, let alone another life form.
I’ve been called selfish for not wanting children, but I think it’s selfish of others to guilt me into having kids to make THEM happy.
https://on-th3-cusp.blogspot.com/